


Congratulations!

by carpfish



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-08 19:48:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4317549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpfish/pseuds/carpfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Congrats, Kirisaki Daiichi defeated Seirin in the qualifiers, made it to finals against Rakuzan, and are now the protagonists of this manga, renamed to Hanamiya no Basuke. Also Imayoshi is the antichrist. I spent how many hours of my life on this. I’m so sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Congratulations!

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly, I'd like to apologize.   
> Written for BPS' 2015 Team Battle Grand Finale.

“This… Wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Hanamiya’s jaw is slack as he stares out at the Winter Cup stadium from the entrance to the dressing rooms. Nearly the entire stadium is covered in green. Teal green. The same disgusting teal green that makes up Kirisaki Daiichi’s uniforms. The bleachers are filled with spectators: former rivals, other teams, and civilians, all dressed in their colors. Hanamiya spots signs and banners with things like “KIRISAKI #1!!!” and “KIRIDAI FAITO” decorating the seats. He feels like he’s stepped into the sixth ring of hell.

Hanamiya whips around to face his team. “They’re cheering for us,” he says slowly, quietly, as if he’s afraid of waking some beast. “They’re cheering. For us. Why is this happening? Can somebody explain this? I cannot be the only one seeing…” He turns back around and makes a wide, sweeping gesture at the monstrosity unfolding before them. The crowd apparently interprets this as a wave, and cheers loudly in response. Hanamiya flinches. “This.”

Hara pushes his way through Yamazaki and Seto to get to the front of the pack, and looks up the spectacle. One of the banners has his name on it. “HARA KAZUYA, I <3 U” in big white letters on top of green fabric. There’s a girl holding it, and she’s waving the banner vigorously. Hara’s expression remains unfazed as he takes a hand and lifts his bangs up to get a clearer view. The girl catches sight of his uncovered face and swoons to the ground. Hara drops his bangs and looks at Hanamiya, shrugging. “I thought it was just me, but…” He points at his overgrown fringe and shakes his head. “Even my eyesight ain’t that bad.”

“This has to be some kind of sick joke,” Hanamiya mutters, still stunned with shock and horror. The green. He still can’t get over that vile shade of teal green. He chose that specific color for the uniforms precisely because it was so ugly, just so he could discourage other students from joining the basketball team. The first time they tried on the uniform together, they broke a mirror with the sheer repulsiveness of their collective teal. Seeing such copious amounts of it all together makes the stadium look like a mud-streaked swamp, and Hanamiya can feel the cataracts growing in his eyes.

Confidence shaken by this hideous sight, Hanamiya turns to his team for confirmation once again, hoping that someone will tell him that he’s hallucinating, that they spiked the water bottles with LSD, something, anything that will make sense of the situation. Instead, he’s met with silence, and the sight of Seto lying on the ground.

“What the hell? How can this bastard sleep at a time like this?”

Yamazaki aims a kick towards Seto’s head to wake him up, but stops midway and crouches down. He grimaces, then looks back up at Hanamiya. “Ah… He’s not sleeping. I think he’s… Praying.” Frankly, Seto has the right idea. Hanamiya feels like he could probably just curl up in a ball and hide from the world right about now. This is far too scary.

A soft laugh, more like a cackle really, comes from behind Hanamiya, and he feels the hairs on the back of his neck raise on end. He recognizes that voice. “You glasses bastard!” He roars as he spins around, fist raised and prepared to break Imayoshi’s teeth, consequences be damned at this point. “You’re behind all this aren’t you?”

Imayoshi’s eyes are bare slits behind his glasses, probably to hide the windows to his lack of soul. He looks perfectly relaxed, hands stuffed in his pockets. He isn’t even wearing his basketball uniform- he’s retired from the team already, after all. “Me? I didn’t do anything. I’m just the messenger.” Hanamiya doesn’t like the way that Imayoshi draws those words out, savoring them on his tongue as if they’re something sweet. Even if all else is inscrutable, the first law of the universe is that if something gives Imayoshi Shouichi pleasure, then it’s gotta be evil. Fishing, eel rice, all of that. Evil. Hanamiya had to go fishing once. He brought holy water to exorcise the rod with before agreeing to touch it.

Hanamiya’s paranoia must be evident, because Imayoshi’s smile only widens, and it looks like his face is gonna split in half at any moment now. He reaches into his jacket and pulls out an iPad. Hanamiya isn’t even going to wonder how Imayoshi was storing an iPad in his jacket. “That’s right, Hanamiya-kun. I’m here to deliver an important message to you from Mister Fujimaki.”

Hanamiya stiffens, and he can hear someone behind him whisper frantically, “He’s the Antichrist. I knew it. Our Father thou art in heaven-” It’s probably Seto.

Imayoshi remains nonplussed and starts reading off the iPad. “Due to their double losses in both the Interhighs and the Winter Cup qualifiers, Team Seirin and Kuroko Tetsuya have officially been retired from the position of Protagonists of this manga.” Imayoshi pauses to adjust his glasses, and the light from the iPad screen makes the lens flash in a profoundly sinister manner.“One loss is customary for narrative purposes, but consecutive losses after training camp? That, unfortunately, does not abide to our standards.” He sighs mournfully. “I suppose all that plot armor couldn’t protect them after all. The poor things didn’t even make it to Winter Cup. You couldn’t have taken it a bit easier on them, Hanamiya-kun?”

Hanamiya, for one, has no clue what’s going on with this protagonist and retirement business, but he’s pretty certain that some wall is being shattered here, and has a distinct feeling of being watched. It’s unnerving. He looks to Furuhashi for support. If anything, Furuhashi will look as blankly uninterested as ever. Hanamiya needs that bit of stability in his life right now.

No. Oh no. Sweet mother of- Furuhashi is looking right at Hanamiya, and his eyes are filled with fear and confusion. There is emotion in Furuhashi Koujirou’s eyes. Hanamiya’s world is crashing down around him.

Imayoshi is either gleefully oblivious to or even more gleefully aware of Hanamiya’s existential crisis. “However, that leaves the position of Protagonist open. Fortunately, your team happens to fit the exact criteria for the role. You’re an unpopular underdog team fighting an upwards battle versus the seemingly indomitable and enigmatically sinister Team Rakuzan. In short....” Imayoshi glances up from the iPad and somehow looks Hanamiya dead in the eye without even really opening his eyes. “Congratulations. You’re now the new Protagonists.”

Hanamiya has no clue what the hell Imayoshi is going on about, but all he knows is that he is in no way any sort of hero. In attempt to gather some of his rapidly scattering wits, Hanamiya latches onto the little information he could process from Imayoshi’s announcement. “What the hell is going on? And what happened to that freaky ghost kid and Seirin?” It’s not like he cares, after having crushed them in their last match, but Imayoshi had mentioned something about them filling Seirin’s role. Maybe if Seirin comes back, Hanamiya’s life can return to normal.

“Kuroko Tetsuya was last seen smuggling himself into a one-way flight to the Bahamas at Narita Airport. Apparently his presence was so weak that he managed to make his way through the security without buying a ticket. He left a message for you, though. I believe it was something to the effect of ‘so long suckers, I’m finally fucking free’.”

Imayoshi claps his hands once. “But enough of the logistics. Now we get to the fun part.” Hanamiya can feel chills running down his spine at the way Imayoshi says the word. “We need to go through the necessary changes to your team in order for you to truly step up to the mantle of Protagonist.”

Hanamiya’s about to protest, but all of a sudden, he feels a tingle at the roots of his hair, spreading all through his scalp.

“Firstly, black hair is charming and all, but we’ll need something a bit more eye catching for the main character of our manga. From now on, your hair will be teal, to match your uniform.” The tingling is starting to spread to Hanamiya’s face, and his… Armpits? “Of course, we must maintain the illusion that an actual human being has naturally teal hair, so all your body hair will be similarly colored too. From your eyebrows to your armpit hair to….” Even with Imayoshi’s closed eyes, Hanamiya knows where he’s staring at, and covers his crotch with an indignant squeak.

“Ah yes. Well. Secondly, your entire team will be receiving augmentations to your pre-existent abilities. Your skill set can probably stay the same, Hanamiya-kun, but your teammates will need some upgrades. Furuhashi Koujirou can now freeze opponents into solid ice with the intimidation of his stare. Seto Kentarou’s yawns have the force to summon tornadoes. Yamazaki Hiromu will enter the court riding atop a pair of Dread Wolves, and Hara Kazuya’s hidden eyes now shoot laser beams.”

As if on cue, Hara falls to his knees clutching his eyes screaming. As foretold, a purple laser beam shoots out from the gaps between his fingers. It hits a “KIRIDAI 4 EVA” banner and sets it ablaze. The crowd pays no mind and continues waving it as they cheer.

“Wait, what about me?” Matsumoto asks. Hanamiya is surprised to hear him speak up; he’d honestly forgotten Matsumoto was there. Perhaps Matsumoto can be the new Phantom Sixth Man.

Imayoshi casts Matsumoto a pitying look. “I’m sorry… What was your name again? You’re a bench member. You don’t matter.” Matsumoto deflates.

“And lastly, as you may have noticed,” Imayoshi turns around and gestures towards the still-hideously-green-but-now-slightly-on-fire mass of spectators. “We cannot allow for our protagonists to enter a match as important as the finals against our Big Bad without some support. So, Hanamiya-kun, as proof that miracles do really happen, the people now like you.”

This is by far the last straw. Hanamiya’s brows- he doesn’t have a mirror but he prays to whatever deity that hasn’t forsaken him that they aren’t teal now- knit into a horrified scowl. “The fuck are you talking about? Did nobody see that elbow-throwing knee-breaking shit we do on court? How can they like us?”

“Well, the judges didn’t see,” Matsumoto murmurs contemplatively. “I guess the audience just has very powerful normalcy filters?” Nobody hears him of course.

Imayoshi himself shrugs, seemingly genuinely clueless for once in this whole ordeal. “I suppose that people decided that the only thing that they hate more than a cheating bastard is…” He makes a vague hand gesture towards the tiny spot of white in the stadium that is the very bewildered members of Rakuzan’s basketball team. “A redheaded bastard with a superiority complex? I know that Shuutoku’s still angry at them, for certain. Maybe angry enough to root for you instead.”

At this point, Hanamiya is just standed there slack-jawed with the rest of his teammates, and Imayoshi glances up at the big game clock at the side of the court. He smiles with the ease of the devil, and nods politely at Hanamiya.

“Well, looks like it’s game time. Mister Fujimaki and I both bid you the best of luck. Oh, and as a last note, our series has changed names. Welcome to Hanamiya no Basuke.”

 


End file.
